miercuri, 18 mai 2011

I think of you

Ma gandesc la el in fiecare zi. Sunt anumite momente cand imi amintesc de el. Dar nu cred sa fi trecut zi fara sa ma fi gandit la el. Din obisnuinta catorva saptamani in care l-am purtat cu mine in fiecare clipa. Sau poate pentru ca tot ce s-a intamplat n-a avut niciun inceput, dar mai mult de atat, niciun sfarsit.

Nu sunt ganduri triste. Nu sunt regrete. Nu e ura.

Sunt doar niste emotii. Si o nostalgie. Ceva nedefinit.

In orice caz, ma trezesc zambind. Din suflet. Si asta nu mai cere nicio definitie.

Oare ce-ar fi fost daca...? Imi pun mereu intrebarea asta.

Se spune ca atunci cand se incheie un capitol din viata ta, trebuie sa privesti inainte. Trebuie sa inchizi usa trecutului si sa imbratisezi prezentul, fiind constient ca ceea ce a fost nu va reveni niciodata.

Eu n-am facut asta. 

luni, 16 mai 2011

Arta respiratiei

Timp de 4 zile am fost la cursul de Arta Respiratiei. Mi-a placut foarte mult. Am invatat multe si nici n-as avea cum sa le scriu pe toate aici. M-a schimbat. Cel putin asta simt acum. Sunt mult mai prezenta, sunt... trezita.  

Cred ca e cel mai bun lucru pe care puteam sa-l fac pentru mine la ora asta. 

Multumesc, Ana!

luni, 9 mai 2011

Ce-am mai facut

Intre timp mi-am luat laptopul. Sunt foarte multumita de el, nu se compara cu calculatorul nici pe departe. 

Intre timp am fost la Pilates si la Yoga. Si am descoperit ca imi place. 

Intre timp m-am inscris cu Clau la un curs de tehnica respiratiei, pe care o sa il incep joi si o sa dureze 4 zile.

Intre timp mi-am facut si prima sedinta de SPL. 

Intre timp proprietara garsonierei ne-a anuntat ca pana pe 30 mai trebuie sa eliberam casa, ca se muta ea cu sotul ei acolo. 

Intre timp pare ca vine iar iarna, ploua intr-una si in casa mor de frig. 

Intre timp am cam renuntat la citit.

Intre timp nici n-am mai pictat.

The bucket list

It's difficult to understand the sum of a person's life. Some people would tell you it's measured by the ones left behind. Some believe it can be measured in faith. Some say by love. Other folks say life has no meaning at all. Me? I believe that you measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you. 


-I always meant to go back. But 45 years goes by pretty fast.
-Like smoke through a key hole.


Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. 


I'm prepared for my husband to die. I'm just not prepared to lose him while he's still alive. 


And for the first time in 40 years I looked at Virginia without all the noise, without all the distractions. And I couldn't remember what it felt like when I could not walk down the street without holding her hand. I mean, she was the same woman I fell in love with. She hadn't changed. But somehow everything was different. We'd lost something along the way, you know?


-You know, the ancient egyptians had a beautiful belief about death. When their souls got to the entrance to Heaven , the gods asked them two questions. Their answers determined whether they were admitted or not. 
-Ok, I'll bite. What were they?
-Have you found joy in your life?
-Answer the question!
-Answer the question? Have I found joy in my life? Yes!
-Has your life brought joy to others?
-Ooo, stupid question... I don't know, I don't think about how other people gage. Ask them!
-I'm asking you.


-I'll be here when you get back.
-Sounds good to me.


Dear Edward, I've gone back and forth the last few days trying to decide whether or not I should even write this. In the end I realized I would regret it if I didn't. So... Here it goes. I know the last time we saw each other we weren't exactly hitting the sweetest notes. Certainly it wasn't the way I wanted the trip to end. I suppose I'm responsible and for that I'm sorry. But in all honesty, if I had the chance I'd do it again. Virginia said I left a stranger and came back a husband. I owe that to you. There's no way I can repay you for all you've done for me. So rather than trying, I'm going to ask you to do something else for me. Find the joy in your life. You once said you're not everyone. Well, that's true, you're certainly not everyone. But everyone is everyone. My pastor always says our lives are streams flowing into the same river towards whatever heaven lies in the mist beyond the falls. Find the joy in your life, Edward. My dear friend, close your eyes and let the waters take you home. 


Even now I can't claim to understand the measure of a life. But I can tell you this: I know that when he died his eyes were closed and his heart was open. And I'm pretty sure he was happy with his final resting place because he was buried on a mountain and that was against the law.