duminică, 24 aprilie 2011

Jurnal de vacanta

"All that you need will surely come..." Asta imi canta Darren Hayes acum. Iar un gingle de la Magic FM spune: "cele mai frumoase momente din viata au muzica lor."

E cald aici. E soare. Stau in trening si desculta, nemachiata, cu fundul pe o treapta, cu laptopul in brate si ma uit la cer. Am stat la soare pana acum, dar m-am retras pentru ca am inteles ca laptopului nu ii place soarele asa cum imi place mie (nu e bine sa-l las sa fie batut de soare direct in monitor sau in camera...). Mananc numai bunatati, cu gandul la eliptica si la banda pe care o sa le tocesc cand ma intorc acasa. Ma culc tarziu, ma trezesc tarziu...

Ar fi vacanta ideala.

Totusi am senzatia ca e ceva ce as putea sa fac ca sa fie mai bine. Ceva care sa-mi dea senzatia ca zilele astea trec cu folos pentru mine. Sa stau intinsa la soare si sa o citesc pe Mihaela. Sa alerg pe dealurile astea ca sa suplinesc lipsa antrenamentului. Sa ma conectez mai mult la mine. 

Imi lipseste singuratatea. Intimitatea. Aici n-am parte de ea, pentru ca, oriunde m-as duce, e cineva cu mine. Am senzatia ca oamenii fug de singuratate aici. Fiecare e mereu in vizita la cineva, mereu impreuna cu cineva. Si eu m-am obisnuit altfel in ultima vreme. Si cred ca nu numai in ultima vreme. Ma obosesc prea multi oameni. 

Am prins acum un moment in care mi-am pus laptopul in brate si m-am deconectat putin. Sau m-am conectat, cred ca asa e mai corect spus. 

Pe drumul spre Dej am jucat un joc inventat de mine... Sau poate am auzit de el si acum mi-am amintit. Unul dintre noi spunea un cuvant si celalalt spunea primul lucru care ii venea in minte cand auzea cuvantul respectiv. Mi-a placut jocul. 

Am aflat si raspunsul la intrebarea "Care e cea mai mare teama a ta?". Tot in timp ce jucam jocul asta, ceea ce inseamna ca m-a ajutat ceva-ceva. Incercasem acum ceva vreme sa incep sa raspund la intrebarile alea, dar m-am blocat la prima, nu-mi venea niciun raspuns in minte. Pana acum. 

Cea mai mare teama a mea ar fi sa ajung in situatia in care sa nu pot avea singura grija de mine. Situatie in care am fost acum cativa ani si mi s-a parut groaznica. Eram la pat, fara sa fiu in stare sa merg nici macar la toaleta. Ceilalti erau nevoiti sa ma mute dimineata si seara, din/in dormitor, sa ma ajute sa-mi fac nevoile, sa-mi dea mancare si o ocupatie zilnica... A fost cumplit. Trecand peste faptul ca problema pe care o aveam de fapt de ordin fizic. In momentul de fata, asta ar fi cea mai mare teama a mea. Sa ajung din nou in situatia aia. 

Aici as avea conditiile ideale de a scrie. De a incepe sa creez. De a-mi lasa mintea sa zburde intre realitate si fictiune. 

Daca as avea un pic de intimitate. Dar, dupa cum spunea Darren ceva mai devreme, "All that you need will surely come". Poate acum nu e momentul. Poate nu e asta locul de unde sa incep. 

joi, 14 aprilie 2011

Continuare

Continui cu intrebarile. Ieri nu am raspuns, drept urmare azi o sa raspund la doua. Sau mai multe.

Pana atunci, am cautat mai multe intrebari la care sa raspund de-a lungul timpului.

...

Care este cea mai mare teama a ta?
Care este cel mai valoros lucru pe care il ai? (din punct de vedere financiar)
Care este ideea ta despre fericire?
In ce ai vrea sa te reincarnezi, daca acest lucru ar fi posibil?
Ce personaj istoric iti place?
Care este ocupatia ta favorita?
Unde ti-ar placea sa traiesti?
Ce detesti la altii?
Daca ai putea sa-ti schimbi un atribut fizic, care ar fi acela?
Care este cel mai mare regret pe care il ai?
Ce admiri cel mai mult la o femeie?
Ce admiri cel mai mult la un barbat?
Cand si unde te-ai simtit cea mai fericita?
Care este personajul de fictiune pe care il indragesti?
Cu ce talent natural ai vrea sa fii inzestrata?
Care este moto-ul tau?
Ce ti se pare a fi "culmea durerii"?
Pentru ce greseala ai cea mai mare toleranta?
Care este principalul tau defect?
Care sunt "eroii" vietii tale reale?
Care este principala ta virtute?
Ce I-ai spune lui Dumnezeu, daca l-ai intalni?
Ce ai si nu ti-ai dori sa ai?
Ce nu ai si ti-ai dori sa ai?
Esti prieten cu tine?
Ce te face sa te deschizi?
Cum definesti fericirea?
Ai ceva sa-ti reprosezi?
Care este modelul tau in viata?
Daca ai descoperi ca mai ai doar 6 luni de trait, cum ti-ai trai viata? Cum ti-ai schimba viata? Ce ai face diferit?
Ce fel de persoane ai in jurul tau? Esti inconjurat de persoane care te sustin sau care te trag in jos permanent?
Unde ai alege sa traiesti daca nu ai lua-o de la 0? Unde ai vrea sa fii? Ce te tine sa fii acolo unde iti doresti?
Cat crezi ca ai dormi daca nu ai avea ceas?
Cat si cand ai manca daca nu ar exista mesele stabilite?
Ce ai face daca nu ar exista bani? Ce ai face in viata ta de zi de zi daca n-ar exista bani?
Cum ai fi daca nu ai sti ce varsta ai?
Ce fel de personalitate ai vrea sa ai incepand de azi?
Cum te-ai descrie pe tine ca persoana? Ce inseamna sa fii TU?
Dragostea poate sa dureze o viata, asa cum se spune?
De ce, dupa un timp, sotii incep sa semene?
Casatoria poate supravietui in caz de adulter?
De ce vara trece mai repede decat iarna?
Animalele au un al saselea simt?
De ce coada la care stau avanseaza intotdeauna cel mai incet?
Pe la ce varsta trebuie sa stiu ce vreau de la viata mea?
De ce apar blocajele de trafic?
Ce inseamna un om fara viitor?
Trebuie neaparat sa-mi iubesc slujba?
Cand ar fi cazul sa-i interzic bunicului sa mai conduca masina?
Fratii care se bat se vor iubi mai tarziu?
Cand sa pun capat unei prietenii?
De ce ajungem sa semanam cu parintii, desi jurasem sa nu fim niciodata la fel ca ei?
Un om pe jumatate gol poate deveni pe jumatate plin?
Cand devin copiii adulti?
Poate o mama sa fie prietena cu fiica ei adolescenta?
Banii chiar aduc fericirea?
Zgarcitii si risipitorii pot avea o casnicie trainica?
Sunt banii izvorul tuturor relelor?
Ce fac cand vad un parinte certandu-si copilul?
De ce mi-e atat de greu sa recunosc ca am gresit?
Cand e cazul sa spun un secret pe care am promis sa nu-l spun?
E adevarat ca felia de paine cade mereu pe partea unsa cu unt?
Ce vrem de la viata noastra?
Ce iti place sa faci atat de mult, incat ai plati pentru asta?
 Daca ai castiga un milion de euro neimpozitabil, ai continua sa faci ce faci si acum?
Daca ai afla astazi ca mai ai de trait exact 5 ani, ce ai face incepand de maine?
Peste 15 ani, ce ai vrea sa se scrie pe prima pagina despre tine, in cel mai important ziar din tara? Care ar fi titlul articolului?
Ce vrei sa spuna prietenii tai despre tine la ceremonia funerara?
Dar pe piatra funerara ce vrei sa scrie despre tine?
Cand erai mica, ce le raspundeai celor mari cand te intrebau "ce vrei sa te faci cand vei fi mare?"?
Ce ai face daca ai sti absolut sigur, dinclol de orice dubiu, ca este imposibil sa esuezi?
Ce ai vrea sa le spuna copiii tai nepotilor tai despre tine?
Daca ai putea sa te proiectezi in viitor, in ultima zi a vietii tale, si sa iti iei un interviu, care sunt trei intrebari pe care ti le-ai adresa?
Cine esti?
Ce simti?
De ce simti ceea ce simti?
Ce inseamna intimitatea in doi pentru tine?
Care sunt resursele tale?
Cum iti apeti incredere in tine ca femeie?
Incotro te indrepti?
Ce nevoi ai?
Ce doresti de la tine si pentru tine in relatie cu celalalt?
Ce asteptari are partenerul sau partenera ta de la tine?
Ce iti doresti si ce nu cand vorbim de libertate in cuplu?
Ce faci ca sa nu mai fii singur?
Cum iubesti pentru a fi iubit?
Care sunt secretele seductiei?
Ce este senzualitatea?
Cum retrezesti pasiunea in intimitatea de cuplu?
Cum faci fata fanteziilor in doi?
Când ai simtit ca parintii tai au fost cu adevarat mandri de tine?
Pe cine ai dezamagit cel mai tare?
Care este cel mai frumos vis pe care l-ai pierdut pe drum ?
La ce esti cel mai bun, ce stii sa faci mai bine decât toti oamenii pe care-i cunosti personal?
Cine e iubirea vietii tale?
Ce functioneaza cel mai putin bine în relatia ta?
Ce crezi ca e cel mai enervant la tine, în ochii celor dragi?
Care a fost cel mai erotic moment din viata ta în doi?
Cine a avut cel mai perfect trup cu care ai facut sex (dragoste..)?
Care e lucrul cel mai groaznic pe care l-ai face pentru bani ?
Care crezi ca e cea mai importanta calitate pe care ai mostenit-o de la parintii tai?
Când ai simtit ca ai aratat cel mai bine din toata viata ta?
Care e cel mai prost om pe care-l cunosti?
Care e sunetul care te enerveaza cel mai tare?
La ce eveniment din viata ta ai fost cel mai emotionat (emotionata)? 
Care ar fi singurul lucru pe care ti-ar placea sa-l furi (fiind singura sansa de a-l avea...)?
Cu cine ai avut cea mai proasta experienta sexuala din viata?
Care a fost cel mai stânjenitor moment din viata ta?
În fata cui te simti cel mai pierdut, emotionat, blocat?
Care e cea mai erotica aroma pe care ai simtit-o vreodata?
Când ti-a fost cel mai greu sa spui adevarul?
Cine e persoana cu care ai vrea cel mai tare sa ai o aventura (one night stand…)?
Ce-ai vrea sa schimbi cel mai tare în viata ta?
Cu cine vorbesti cel mai des despre sex?
Care e cea mai proasta scuza pe care ai folosit-o vreodata?
Ce nu i-ai putea ierta niciodata omului pe care-l iubesti?
Ce calitate a jumatatii tale de viata iti este cea mai draga?
Care a fost jucaria ta preferata în copilarie?
Care ti se pare cea mai seducatoare ipostaza a ta?
Pe cine te bazezi daca ti se întâmpla o nenorocire?
Care a fost cel mai bun sfat pe care nu l-ai urmat?
Pe cine simti cel mai tare nevoia sa protejezi?
Care e cea mai mare fantezie sexuala a ta?
Care e domeniul despre care ai vrea sa stii cel mai mult?
Cine-ti lipseste cel mai tare în acest moment?
În ce privinta crezi ca esti cel mai putin înteles?
Care e cel mai bun lucru de facut dupa sex?
Care e cel mai frumos cuvânt din limba ta?
Unde te simti cel mai în siguranta?
Care a fost cel mai bizar loc în care ai facut amor?
Care a fost cel mai frumos compliment ce ti s-a facut vreodata?
Care e persoana care te face sa râzi, sa te simti relaxat?
Pentru ce te rogi cel mai des?
Pentru cine din viata ta crezi ca esti sau ai fost cel mai bun partener de sex?
Cine te-a influentat cel mai mult pâna acum?
Care a fost primul tau vis împlinit?
În ce an al vietii tale ai simtit ca te-ai schimbat cel mai mult?
Care a fost cel mai îndraznet lucru pe care l-ai facut (sau l-ai face) cu o persoana de acelasi sex cu tine?
Ce inventie din acest secol crezi ca are cel mai mare impact în viata ta?
Care a fost cel mai romantic moment din viata ta? Iar daca n-a fost, cum ar arata el?

In ce privinta esti cel mai putin inteles ?
Care e persoana care iti este cea mai loiala ?
Cine ti-a facut cea mai puternica prima impresie ?
Ce cuvant unic te descrie cel mai bine ?
Cand a fost viata ta scapata de sub control, in ce moment ?
Care e fiinta care te face cel mai mult sa zambesti ?
Pentru ce ti-ar placea sa fii tinut minte dupa ce vei muri ?
In ce privinta ai fost cel mai naiv vreodata ?
Ce ti-e cel mai greu sa ierti ?
Care este domeniul despre care stii cel mai mult ?
Care a fost cea mai dificila alegere pe care ai fost fortat sa o faci ?
Care a fost cea mai erotica aroma pe care ai mirosit-o vreodata ?
Care a fost cea mai grea alegere pe care ai facut-o pana acum ?
Cand te-ai simtit cel mai singur in toata viata ta ?
Care e persoana pe care ai urat-o cel mai mult ? De ce ?
Care a fost cea mai frumoasa zi din viata ta ?
Care a fost cel mai frumos compliment care ti s-a facut vreodata ?
Care este aspectul de care esti cel mai mandru cand vine vorba de viata ta ?
Care a fost cea mai proasta experienta sexuala pe care ai avut_o ?
Care a fost cea mai placuta munca pe care ai facut-o vreodata ?
Cine e iubirea vietii tale ?
Care este persoana cu care ai vrea cel mai tare sa ai o aventura ?
La ce esti cu adevarat cel mai bun ?
Cum flirtezi cel mai bine ?
Care e cea mai mare minciuna pe care ai spus-o vreodata (despre tine ) ?
Care este cea mai mare frustrare a ta ?
Care a fost cel mai frumos peisaj, unul singur, pe care l-ai vazut vreodata?
Cine crede despre tine ca esti cel mai bun partener de sex ?
Cand ai simtit ca ai aratat cel mai bine ?
Care este cel mai frumos cuvant din limba ta ?
Care e, pentru tine, cel mai bun loc in care sa te ascunzi de lume ?
Cine sau ce te inspira sa fii cel mai creativ ?
In ce privinta esti cu adevarat competitiv ?
Ce greseala ai facut pana acum , ca parinte sau ce unica greseala le-ai
reprosa_o parintilor tai ?
Cu cine vorbesti cel mai mult despre sex ?
Ce-ai vrea cel mai mult sa schimbi in viata ta ?
Care este ce mai frumos dar pe care l-ai primit vreodata ? De la cine ?
In bratele cui te-ai duce sa plangi in cel mai cumplit moment al vietii tale ?
Ce este cel mai frumos in viata ta acum ?

Top 3...
-amintiri din copilarie.
-filme in care mi-ar fi placut sa joc.
-modalitati de relaxare.
-mancaruri preferate.
-daca nu as avut meseria de acum, as fi devenit...
-cele mai importante lectii de viata pe care le-am primit.
-melodii care ruleaza la nesfarsit pe Ipod-ul meu.
-defecte cu care ma mandresc.
-placeri vinovate.
-staruri pe care le-as reuni la o cina ideala.

Cel/cea mai sexy...
-actrita
-actor
-trup de vedeta
-cantaret
-mamica
-melodie
-film
-pozitie de sex
-loc de facut sex
-preludiu
-jucarie sexuala
-gadget
-modalitate de flirt via tehnologie
-film de vazut la intalnire
-cocktail
-aliment de pus pe corpul lui
-loc de unde sa lingi frisca
-oras din Romania
-vacanta cu iubitul tau
-"placere vinovata"
-fruct
-modalitate de fi eco
-antrenament
-lenjerie masculina
-culoare
-lenjerie
-incaltaminte
-top
-stil vestimentar masculin
-rochie
-parte a corpului de afisat intr-o rochie decupata.


Si cateva in engleza...

What is your best friends name?

What color underwear/boxers wearing now?

What are you listening to right now?

Whats your favorite number?

What was the last thing you ate?

If you were a crayon what color would you be?

How is the weather right now?

Who was the last person you talked 2 on the phone?

The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Do you have a significant other?

Favorite TV show?


Height?

Hair color?

Eye Color?

Do you wear contacts?

Favorite Holiday?

Month?

Have you ever cried for no reason?

What was the last movie you watched?

Favorite Day of the Year?

Are you too shy to ask someone out?

Can you do a headstand (not using the wall)?

Hugs or Kisses?

Chocolate or Vanilla?

Do you want your friends to respond to this?

Who is most likely to respond?

Who is least likely to respond?

What books are you reading?

Piercings?

Favorite movies?

Favorite football Team?

Wat were u doing before this?

Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?

Dogs or cats?

Favorite flower?

Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do?

Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex?

Have you ever loved someone?

Who would you like to see right now?

Are you still friends with people from kindergarten?

Have you ever fired a gun?

Do you like to travel by plane?

Right-handed or Left-handed?

How many pillows do you sleep with?

Are you missing someone?
Do you have a Tattoo?

Anybody on myspace that you'd go on a date with?

What is the first instance of being in the state of flow that you can remember?
Did you have any friends or family there to appreciate what you were working on?
In your opinion, what’s the most amazing idea you’ve ever had?
Why was this amazing?
Looking back, what was the dumbest idea or venture you’ve ever embarked on?
Why was it dumb?
What thought-process led you to this idea in the first place?
Before you pass away, what’s one mark you want to leave on the world?
What are the barriers to achieving this right now?
What is the next step to achieving this?
What do you do every day between 6-10am?
What do you do every day between 10am – 2pm?
What do you do every day between 2pm – 6pm?
What do you do every night between 6pm – 12am?
Describe your first undertaking or achievement that was successful.
Describe another undertaking that was successful.
What was the difference between the two?
How do you feel about money?
Have you ever been given significant responsibility over others? If so, how did you act?
How do you react to compliments?
Do you like to compete? How do you see rivals?
Do you like your day job (if you have one)?
Who do you look up to (past or present people)?
Why do you look up to them?
What do you and your role models share in common?
Where are you different?
Do you believe that some people are naturally geniuses, or naturally just more talented in what you’re passionate about?
How do you respond when you see people that claim to be overnight successes, or simply lucky?
What was the last argument you had, and what was your position?
How do you react when someone is hostile towards you?
How do you react to failure?
What drives you to keep pressing on after failure?
Which do you enjoy more: The feeling of achieving the goal, or the process of trying to reach the goal?
If you never had to work, where would you spend your time, and what would you spend your time on?
What do you fear most?
How would you react if the above happened?
What makes someone an expert in a specific field?
What is your dream?
Describe a complex situation in which you had a lot to learn. How did you go about learning, and did you enjoy this process?
Would people say you’re someone who diligently pursues every single detail, or are you more of a big-picture person?
What difficult decisions have you made recently, and would you make this same decision?
Describe your decision-making approach.
What maxims or beliefs do you live by?
Do you like facing concrete, short-term challenges; or do you enjoy conceptual, abstract long-term challenges?
Are you more of a visionary, or more of a person that makes stuff happen today? Why?
What’s the biggest risk you’ve taken in recent years?
Was the risk worth it? Why or why not.
Describe a situation in which the pressure to compromise your integrity were the strongest you’ve ever felt.
Are you better at starting a lot of projects, or squeezing results out of fewer projects?
Do you believe in asking for forgiveness rather than permission?
What sort of mood swings do you experience? Where and what does this usually stem from?
Describe your sense of humor.
When there’s a difference of opinion, do you confront others indirectly or directly?
When was the last time you put your foot in your mouth, and what was it about?
Are you a natural leader? If so, cite how you are and why.
What drives you everyday? Why do you get out of bed? (besides putting bread on the table)
What pace do you work at? Are you fast, slow or moderate worker?

Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
What is the one dream for your life you most look forward to achieving?
Who has the capacity to make you angrier than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to make you so angry?
Who has the capacity to make you feel loved more than anyone else in your life, and what in particular does he or she do to cause you to feel so lovable?
How do you feel about yourself—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
When do you feel inspired? How does it feel when you are inspired?
What is the most important thing in the world to you?
If you had one day to live, how would you want to spend it?
When do you feel most afraid?
If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?
What bores you? Why is this?
How important is money to you? How much time do you spend thinking about it?
What is the role of God in your life? Do you believe there is a God, and if so, what is God like in relation to you?
What three interests are you most passionate about?
Who is your biggest enemy, and precisely how and why did this person become your enemy?
How important is food to you? Do you feel disciplined when it comes to eating?
Does the idea of being married to the same person for the rest of your life sound appealing to you—or not so appealing? What is there about it that you would especially like or not like?
Do you consider yourself emotionally healthy? In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could you use improvement?
Do you argue very much with the people closest to you? How does it usually turn out?
What specifically would you like your closest friends to say about you at your funeral?

Who are you?
What are you passionate about?
What are the achievements you are most proud of?
What are you most grateful for in life?
What are the most important things to you in life?
How would you describe yourself?
What are your values? What do you represent? What do you want to embody?
Do you love yourself?
… Why or Why not?
How can you love yourself more today?
What is your ideal self? What does it mean to be the best you?
Look at your life now. Are you living the life of your dreams?
If you have one year left to live, what would you do?
If you have one month left to live, what would you do?
If you have one week left to live, what would you do?
If you have one day left to live, what would you do?
If you have an hour left to live, what would you do?
If you have one minute left to live, what would you do?
What would you do today if there is no more tomorrow?
What are the biggest things you’ve learned in life to date?
What advice would you give to yourself 3 years ago?
If you are yourself 1 year from the future, how would you advise the you now?
Is there something you’re still holding on to? Is it time to let it go?
What are you busy with today? Will this matter 1 year from now? 3 years? 5 years?
What are your Quadrant 2 tasks?
What opportunities am I looking for?
How can I create these opportunities?
What are your biggest goals and dreams?
If you are to do something for free for the rest of your life, what would you want to do?
What would you do if you cannot fail; if there are no limitations in money, resources, time or networks?
What do you want to achieve in 1 year from now?
… 3 years?
… 5 years?
… 10 years?
How important are these goals to you?
What if these goals are doubled? Tripled? Magnified by 10? How would you feel? Would you prefer to achieve these or your previous goals?
Who are the people who have achieved similar goals?
… What can you learn from them?
Are you putting any parts of your life on hold?
… Why?
What’s the top priority in your life right now?
What are you doing about it?
If you were to die tomorrow, what would be your biggest regret?
For every experience you get: What are the biggest things you have learned?
How can you do this better the next time?
If you have 1 million dollars, what would you do with it?
Do you love your job?
What is your ideal career?
How can you start creating your ideal career starting today?
What is your ideal home like?
What do you need to do to achieve your ideal home?
What is your ideal physical look?
What do you need to do to achieve your ideal physical look?
What is your ideal life?
What can you do to start living your ideal life?
What do you fear most in life?
Is there anything you are running away from?
Are you settling for less than you are worth?
… Why?
What is your inner dialogue like?
What limiting beliefs are you holding on to?
Are they helping you achieve your goals?
If not, is it time to let them go?
What empowering beliefs can you take on to help you achieve your goals?
What bad habits do you want to break?
What good habits do you want to cultivate?
What’s the biggest step you can take now that will create the biggest result?
What would you want to say to yourself 1 year in the future?
… 3 years?
… 5 years?
  … 10 years?
Where are you living right now – the past, future or present?
Are you living your life to the fullest right now?
What is the meaning of life?
What is your purpose in life? Why do you exist? What is your mission?
What drives you?
What are the times you are most inspired, most motivated, most charged up?
What were you doing at the times?
How can you do more of that starting today?
How can you change someone’s life for the better today?
Who are the 5 people you spend the most time with?
Are these people enabling you or holding you back?
What qualities do you want to embody? (Refer to Q5: Values and Q10: Ideal Self) Where can you meet people who embody these qualities?
Who inspire you the most?
How can you be like them?
What is your ideal life partner like?
Where can you find him/her?
How can you get to know him/her?
Are you afraid of letting others get close to you?
… Why?
Who are the most important people in the world to you?
Are you giving them the attention you want to give?
How can you spend more time with them starting today?
What kind of person do you enjoy spending time around?
How can you be this person to others?
Who do you want to be like in 1 year?
… 3 years?
… 5 years?
  … 10 years?
Who are your mentors in life? (formal or informal)
What is one thing you’re going to do differently after reading this article?

marți, 12 aprilie 2011

Niste intrebari

Pentru ca am hotarat sa am mereu o carte pe care o citesc, adica sa n-am pauza intre carti, am inceput si a doua carte a Mihaelei Radulescu, "Niste raspunsuri". 

Deocamdata ma face sa imi pun intrebari. Sau macar sa vreau sa imi pun intrebari la care sa raspund. Intrebari despre mine, intrebari care sa ma ajute sa ma cunosc mai bine, sa imi dau seama ce-mi place.

Ar trebui sa imi stabilesc un "target", ceva gen 3 intrebari pe zi. 3 intrebari despre mine la care sa imi raspund. Sincer, cat mai sincer cu putinta. Si daca in vreo zi ratez intrebarile, sa le recuperez a doua zi. Sau poate nu chiar 3 intrebari. Una, doua, maxim 3. Maximul sa fie de 3. Ca sa nu fie nici prea multe, dupa aia, ca nu mai am la ce raspunde in zilele urmatoare.

Pana una alta, mi-am pus intrebarea: "Numeste 10 lucruri pe care le-ai face, daca ai sti ca mai ai o zi de trait". Bine, nu e tocmai o intrebare, dar e o afirmatie care cere un raspuns. Mi-as da demisia. As manca raci si caramel (nu alaturate). As vorbi cu oamenii care mi-au influentat viata intr-un fel sau altul, le-as spune in ce fel mi-au influentat-o si le-as multumi asa cum as sti eu mai bine, in momentele alea. As zbura, dar nu cu un avion de-ala normal, cu unul mai mic care sa nu se ridice atat de mult de la sol, dar atat cat sa pot vedea lucrurile de sus. Mi-as lua o rulota si as pleca undeva cu ea. As pleca la mare, sa vad rasaritul pe care niciodata nu l-am prins. As picta... asta se poate sa fie ceva de moment, pentru acum sunt intr-o stare in care imi doresc sa pictez. Dar cred ca as picta ceva. Poate chiar rasaritul. Sau rulota. As plange... cu sigurata as plange pentru ca as parasi lumea asta. As plange pentru ca nu m-am bucurat de viata asa cum ar fi trebuit. Si... L-as tine pe Ducu in brate pana la sfarsit, incercand sa il pregatesc pentru viata fara mine. Bine, pe el l-am inclus automat in toate lucrurile pe care l-as face. Nici nu l-am mai mentionat aici, dar pare cel mai firesc lucru in momentul asta. Si cred ca prin toate lucrurile astea pe care le-as face, as incerca sa ma apropii cat mai mult de Dumnezeu.

Acum, asta cred ca as face daca as sti ca mai am 24 de ore de trait.

vineri, 8 aprilie 2011

"Despre lucrurile simple"

Mai am putin si termin cartea Mihaelei Radulescu, "Despre lucrurile simple". Le-am luat pe amandoua acum ceva vreme. Imi place mult cum scrie. Atunci cand citesc ce scrie ea, mi se pare ca sunt in stare de orice. Face lucrurile sa para atat de simple... Firesti. Ca si cum am putea cu totii sa facem ceea ce ne dorim, cu conditia sa stim ce ne dorim.

Azi au venit cei de la RDS si mi-au instalat netul. Acum pot in sfarsit sa scap de listele lungi cu melodii si filme pe care le-am scris de-a lungul timpului in telefon si pot sa stau pe net fara sa-mi fie teama ca la un moment dat primesc un mesaj de eroare si constat ca mi s-a terminat creditul de pe cartela.

Am gasit pe net niste cursuri de dans. Par interesante. Am optiunea de a merge o data sau de doua ori pe saptamana. Sau in week-end. Preturile par destul de convenabile.

In curand incep sa-mi fac si SPL-ul.

In curand o sa strang destui bani pentru laptop.

In curand o sa reiau si vizitele la dentist.

Hei! Dar acum ce fac? Daca toate astea o sa se intample in curand? Acum citesc. Si atat? Parca nu e de ajuns. Am nevoie de mai mult.

Azi m-am tot gandit la trecerea timpului, apropo de "in curand". Cred ca din cauza ca am citit despre asta in carte. E chiar frustrant sa simti mereu ca te lupti cu timpul. E infricosator sa iti dai seama ca trec secundele, minutele, zilele, anii pe langa tine si tu tot astepti "acel" moment. Astepti intotdeauna alt moment decat cel prezent. Astepti ziua de maine, cand o sa faci nu-stiu-ce, astepti luna viitoare, cand vei primi salariul si vei putea sa iti iei nu-stiu-ce, astepti concediul ca sa poti pleca nu-stiu-unde. In ritmul asta, ce se intampla cu "acum"? Cum apreciezi momentul prezent, cand tu esti in constanta asteptare a momentului care va sa vina?

Am realizat ca am 27 de ani si multe din lucrurile pe care le fac acum nu-mi aduc satisfactii. As vrea sa fac ceva, dar nu stiu ce, as vrea sa fiu intr-un alt fel, dar nu stiu cum. Ideea e ca simt nevoia constanta de ALTCEVA. Partea proasta e ca nu reusesc sa-mi dau seama ce. Poate ca facand mai multe lucruri si punandu-mi mai multe intrebari despre mine si invatand sa ma ascult si sa nu am atat de multe asteptari, o sa-mi dau seama si ce e acel ALTCEVA.

Din putzul gandirii

You must be very smart in order to be truly honest with yourself. You must be very smart in order to know your real potential, in order to find your balance, in order to know the things that bring you peace and fulfillment, in order to pursue your dreams. You must be very smart to be able to do what your heart tells you. You must free your mind in order to open your heart. Or maybe you need to let go and just let it be.

luni, 4 aprilie 2011

My great expectations



Ce ma face fericita? Ce ma face sa zambesc? Nu reusesc inca sa-mi raspund la intrebarea asta. Trebuie sa fac mai multe lucruri, ca sa-mi pot da seama care dintre ele ma misca intr-atat incat sa merite sa-l mai fac si a doua oara, si a treia oara... Si trebuie sa fiu atenta la mine, la reactiile mele. Sau poate ca trebuie sa termin cu toate planurile si controlul asta si sa ma las naibii purtata de val! Poate asta e problema mea, ca ma straduiesc prea mult.

...

Intre timp s-a mai terminat un episod din viata mea. In seara in care am inceput sa ma uit la Marile Sperante... Ii dadusem mesaj pe la pranz, spunandu-i ca as vrea sa ne mai vedem, macar o data. Stiam ca e cu altcineva, am simtit lucrul asta. Dar aveam nevoie de o incheiere. In timp ce ma uitam la film, am primit confirmarea. E intr-o relatie si nu ne mai putem vedea. Am plans ca o prostuta. N-as fi crezut ca o sa plang atat de curand, dupa episodul plecarii de acasa. Ce chestie, totul a inceput cu Marile Sperante, asa l-am gasit. Si asa s-a si incheiat.

Mi-a spus ca a vrut doar sa ma faca sa am mai multa incredere in mine si sa ma faca sa vad ca pot sa simt mai mult... Dar eu n-am stiut asta si am vrut mai mult de la el. Cred ca la asta se referea atunci cand imi tot zicea sa nu avem asteptari unul de la celalalt. El chiar nu avea nicio asteptare. In schimb eu...
Poate ca amintirea mea despre episodul asta e mult mai intensa decat cum s-a petrecut el de fapt. Abia acum am devenit constienta de faptul ca el a fost unul din motivele pentru care am plecat de acasa. Si doare sa stiu ca trebuie sa sterg de pe lista unul din ele. Principalul motiv, de fapt.

Realizez acum ca nu a fost vorba despre sex. Nici despre noi, nici despre el. In tot timpul asta, a fost vorba despre mine. Si poate daca m-as fi concentrat pe mine, in loc sa ma tot gandesc atat la "noi", mi-as fi dat seama mai devreme ce trebuie sa fac. A fost o zguduitura, a fost ceva diferit decat ceea ce facusem pana atunci. A fost adrenalina si liniste in acelasi timp. A fost un punct de plecare.

Stiu acum ca de aici o sa plec in cautarea fericirii mele. Si acum ma pot uita la el fara regrete, fara ura, fara resentimente. Doar cu un sentiment de "multumesc". Eh, si putina tristete, nostalgie, dar cu zambetul pe buze. Si intr-un final, cred ca asta conteaza.

Nu cred ca trebuie sa inteleg fiecare pas al vietii mele. Trebuie doar sa iau lucrurile asa cum sunt si sa invat din fiecare dintre ele. Si sa merg mai departe.

N-a fost nici pe departe iubire. Eventual, o "plonjare". Dar citatul asta mi se pare cel mai potrivit: "sometimes you love and you learn and you... move on. And it's ok".

Am feeling-ul ca ne vom mai intalni, candva.

Eat, pray, love

Wait! I have this for you. Keep grounded so it's like you have four legs. That way you can stay in this world. Also, no looking at world through your head. Look through your heart. That way, you will know God. Which is why you came here, no?

...

Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. I didn't wanna hurt anybody, I wanted to slip quietly out the back door and not stop running until I reached Greenland. Instead I made a decision: to pray.. you know...like... to God. And it was such a foreign concept to me that I swear I almost began with: "I'm a big fan of your work."

...

I love your pain. And I love that when we are together I can make it go away. Your love is like a hot panini. When I look into your eyes I hear dolphins clapping.

...

I didn't exactly fall in love with the guy. What happened was I dove out of my marriage and into David's arms exactly the same way a cartoon circus performer dives off a high platform and into a small cup of water, vanishing completely.

...

-Whoof...
-Don't you wanna give me a chance to miss you?

...

-You wanna go away for a year?
-Do you wanna know what I felt when I woke up this morning, Delia? Nothing. No passion, no spark, no faith, no heat, absolutely nothing. And I think I've really gotten past the point where I can be calling this a bad moment.And it just... it terrifies me. I mean, Jesus, this is like... worse than death to me. I mean the idea that this is the person who I'm gonna be from now on...

...

I'm not checking out. I need to change... I have no pulse.

...

I used to have this appetite for food, for my life and it's just gone. I wanna go some place where I can marvel at something. Language, gelato, spaghetti, anything.

...

-I don't know how to be here.
-You wanna know how to be here? Stop constantly waiting for something!

...

My whole life fits in a twelve foot square box... Wow!

...

-I'll probably get back in a week pennyless with dysentery...
-You're my hero.

...

-Io ho una regola: ogni uomo che viene qui non si ferma dormire la notte. Voi, ragazze americane, cuando venite in Italia, volete solo pasta e sausage.
-Io prende.
-E fai bene, brava!

...

It's the perfect combination of italian sounds... I love it.

...

Non si parla cosi in italiano, si parla con i gesti. Si puo parlare tutte le lingue movendo le mani.

...

Maybe you're a woman in search of a word.

...

We all want things to stay the same, David. Settle for living in misery because we're afraid of change, of things crmbling to ruins. Then I looked around in this place, at the chaos it's indoored, the way it's been adapted, burned, pilleged and found a way to build itself back up again and I was reassured maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic, it's just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation... We must always be prepared for endless ways of transformation. Both of us deserve better than staying together because we are afraid we'll be destroyed if we don't.

...

-You have to learn to select your thoughts the same way that you select your clothes everyday. Now that's a power that you can cultivate. You wanna come here and you wanna control your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only issue you should be trying to controle. 'Cause if you can't master your thoughts, you're in trouble forever.
-I am trying...
-Hello! That's the damn problem. Stop trying! Surrender! Go out into the garden and just sit there. And still your mind. And watch what happens. Why don't you just let it be?

...

-I'm sorry, we were just bad timing.
-I just wanted things to be easy. We were good when things were easy.
-It's not that I need easy right now, I just can't have so hard.
-Well you sound good. Stronger.
-So do you.
-Yeah, I'm an actor... Liz, I got a part. It's on Broadway, it's pretty cool.
-I'm happy for you.
-Alright, well, see you around, kid.

...

-I know you feel awful, but your life's changing. That's not a bad thing. And you're in the perfect place for it, surrounded by grace.
-I thought I was over him, but... I love him.
-Big deal, so you fell in love with someone.
-I really miss him...
-So miss him! Send him some light and love everytime you think him and drop it. You know, if you could clear out all that space in your mind that you're using to obsess over this guy and your failed marriage, you'd have a vaccum and a doorway. And you know what the Universe would do with that doorway? Rush in. God, rush in! Fill you with more love than you ever dreamed of. Man! Groceries, I think you have the capacity someday to love the whole world.

...

-Waiting for him to forgive you is a damn waste of time, Groceries. Forgive yourself.
-It's not that easy...
-Yeah.

...

-Here's the deal: you can stay here 'til you're free of yourself. You hear me. Everything else will take care of itself.
-Is this where you forgave yourself?
-I'm trying, Elizabeth, I am trying.

-I loved you, Steven.
-I know. I still love you.
-So love me.
-I'll miss you.
-So miss me. Send me love and light everytime you think of me and drop it. It won't last forever. Nothing does.

...

Hey, Groceries, believe in love again.

...

-Last time you have too much worry, too much sorrow. Last time you look like sad old woman. Now you pretty. Why so different?
-Well, a lot of things, really. But I was in Rome for four months, just feeding myself, then I went to live in an Ashram in India...
-Now we put together.
-Exactly, that's why I'm here.

...

-People in Bali understand: in order to be happy you must always know where you are. Every moment. Right here is perfect balance. Right at meeting of Heaven and Earth. Not too much God, not too much selfish, otherwise, life too crazy. You lose balance, you lose power. In morning you do meditation from India, serious, very serious. In day, you enjoy Bali. Then, in afternoon, come see me. An off day you do new meditation, very simple: sit in silence and smile.
-I feel balanced already.
-Not so easy, Liz: smile with face, smile with mind, even smile in liver. See you later, aligator.

...

-Mmm... You have no sex for a loooong time, baby. I can tell by your knee. Cartilage very dry. Hormones from sex lubricate joint.
-Ok...
-I pray for you. We sisters...

...

-Mostly brazilian music, but I'm also very much into Phil Collins and Air Supply.
-You really shouldn't say things like that out loud...

...

-Do you need a ride? That way I won't run you over again...

...

-How many places have you visited? I have 46 stamps on my passport.
-I happen to have 49 stamps on my passport.
-49? I knew it!
-You knew what?
-I knew it. We are both andelacins, my dear.
-What is that?
-Andelacin is... come si dice... is an in between. Is the one who lives by the border, because they renounced to the comfort of family life in order to seek elightment.
-Hm, I like your word. And I like the way you say enlightment.
-Elightment.
-You're missing a syllable, but I like it.

...

-And you have divorce. Very difficult. You love her very much. You haven't healed that wound. Now, you are scared to open your heart. You are afraid hurt will happen to you again. Only way to heal is to trust. It's ok to have broken heart, this mean you have tried for something.
-Is it going to be broken again?
-He a good man, Liz, you need a good man.
-Thank you...
-True.
-I'm so sick of people telling me I need a man.
-You don't need a man, Liz, you need a champion.

...

-You have blatter infection. Common after no sex, then too much sexy time.
-We haven't even been apart for a minute in two weeks.
-You're afraid now, right? I understand. Don't want to lose yorself. Love is scary. Dangerous. Happened to me. I pray every day but husband begged for me...
-Don't feel bad about Felipe. Everybody needs affection, honey. Make people do funny things. Everyone gets like that at the beginning of relationship. Want too much happiness, too much pleasure. Until you make yourself sick. Even to Wayan has happened at the beginning of my love affair. I lose myself, Liz.

...

-When I was in Italy, i learned a word: "tutti", which in italian it means "everybody". So that's the lesson, isn't it? When you set out in the world to help yourself, sometimes you end up helping... Tutti.

...

-Balance is not letting anybody love you less than you loves yourself.
-You still smile with your liver, like I tell you?
-Yes.
-You still meditate like you guru in India teach you?
-Yes.
-You have been one with God?
-Yes.
-You love your new boyfriend?
-I ended it.
-Don't understand why you do that.
-I couldn't keep my balance.
-Liz, listen to Ketut. Sometimes, to lose balance for love is part of living balanced life.

...

In the end, I've come to believe in something I called the physics of the quest. A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of quest physics goes something like this: if you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter old resentments and set out on a truth seeking journey either externally or internally and if you are trully willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you were prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be witheld from you...
Felipe!
I can't help but believe it, given my experience.
-I decided on my word. "Attraversiamo". It means "let's cross over" :).